Clockwork Confusion

I fear that in another time, another life, I would have been a deist. I don't know why but the idea that God created the universe, set it in motion and then stepped back appeals to me. Maybe its the human desire to control my own destiny. Maybe it's just the clockwork analogy that comes with deism. I've always had a thing clockwork...

I'm sorry, I've probably confused you. Let me make something clear, I am not denouncing my faith... I've lost it a few times but I've always found it again. That's another story.

I'm reflecting on somethings we discussed in American History today. Fun class... I'm sure I had a similar one earlier in life but like most history classes, the further along you get the more sugar coating gets stripped away. I prefer bitter fact to sweet lies, regardless of how painful they can be.

Anyway, we were discussing Benjamin Franklin and some of his views on religion and how this was affected by his personal nature. The man was a logical thinker. He perceived with his senses and thought with his mind. What he saw was a world of laws, where if one could reason enough he might be able to explain any natural or social phenomenon. He also saw some of what he perceived as corruptions and alterations to the teachings of Jesus from within the Church.

I agree with his assessment and have on several occasions been engulfed by rage at the ignorant arrogance I witness every time I walk into a church building. Fortunately I am often reminded by either God or my own sense... perhaps a combination of both, that I am a fool and I am as guilty of hypocrisy as any man I condemn. Funny how you are often angered by the thing you yourself are guilty of. Proof of a conscience, I suppose.

Think Positive

I'm not sure why but apparently I can make almost anything appear negative. I don't know why I do this, I wish I did. Perhaps then I'd be able to counteract this way of thinking and wouldn't have to try as hard to think positively.

Passing the time

I have nothing to do right now. I'm somewhat less than a productive member of society. I'm not all that ambitious, perhaps that's a problem? I don't know, it's not like I don't try. On many occasions I have tried to fill my days with work yet all things seem to fall through. It's not that there aren't enough jobs, no there are plenty of those. What I lack is experience in any trade. That seems to be an all to common trait in my generation. So much so that places that require no expertise at all are so loaded with workers that they do not wish to take on any more employees. Already pay in such places is spread pretty thin.

Actually, I can't say that I lack "any" expertise. I spent many years working as an instructor at my old martial arts school. I'm pretty good at working with children, not sure why that is... I'm hoping that the most recent place I have sought employment will accept my services. It would be wonderful to once again say that I am employed. Besides, as a student I lack any funds to speak of. Everything goes into my education. Which by the way, I haven't yet decided where that is going. I want to be a missionary but I also need some trade or profession. What I'd love to be is some sort of historian. I love history... perhaps I'll fair better in this subject than I did in Biology. As much as I love science, I'm not all that gifted in that particular field. I have the love, I just lack the understanding grasp that my fellow students possess. Unfortunate really, I was looking forward to a life as a scientist. Well, I guess all I can do is take hold of one of my more useful abilities. That is to pick myself back up and move on. I wonder sometimes if I'm not phased quite enough by the obstacles of life. Though I can carry on and it takes a whole lot of damage before I realise exactly how messed up I am, by then I'm pretty deep. I must strive to make sure that my academics do not suffer in this way.

Motivations and Spirituality

Yet again, I have nothing to talk about. Unfortunately should I go a long time without writing I'll never get into the habit of keeping a journal. Not a big deal but It's something I've been wanting to do and I'm tired of letting my own lack of motivation get in the way of something I'd like to do.

Speaking of which, what motivates people? Do most people possess a desire to achieve something more in life than to simply exist? I would think so, I don't but I assume most other people do. I feel that one of the greatest constraints placed upon me is my own contentment. I fail to push myself simply because I'm content in almost any situation. Comfort zones will kill the desire achieve great things... perhaps I need to shatter my comfort zone. I'd simply try and leave my comfort zone as so many people have suggested in the past. Many times over the years I have heard people talk about "leaving" their comfort zones. How does one achieve this? I can't use distance, I'm at home anywhere I go... come to think about it, I was more comfortable in the mountain of Costa Rica than I was at home. Maybe there is some thing I can do... like finally spread the word of my Lord.

Now there is an idea. A long time ago I knew I would be a missionary. I can remember that night, to some degree at least. Most everything else has blurred but I remember "knowing" I had to spread the word of Jesus. I wanted to be the one to travel the farthest corners of the earth. I wanted to stand on the mountaintops and scream his name. It was so clear then. Now a days... my screams falter. I want to go, my very being thirsts to leave here and go forth. Why am I still here then?

I think it's because I've failed to immerse myself in the word of my Lord. As I've said before, I'm a very analytical person. Everything reacts with everything else. Ripples of one action can affect things that at first glance would seem completely unrelated. So I've been thinking, what do I do or perhaps don't do that separates me from the will of my God? Well, I'm fully aware of my sins and how they affect my spiritual life. At least I've that much covered. Even still, I know I lack something that all other truly devoted followers of Jesus have. I've given my life to him, that's the first step... not the last, I've come to realise that as well. So what is it?

I believe what I lack is a personal quiet time. I pray, yes, but that is mostly on the run and only because God is clutching my heart. It's hard not to say something when he's grasping at your insides. What I need to do is spend time reading and meditating on the Bible. I've heard it over and over but I've never been able to practice for more than a couple of days. Why is it so easy to start bad habits and so hard to get rid of them and yet good habits are the total opposite? Another thing, I don't know how to study the Bible! Do I start with a book, read it through and then think on it? I know opening to a random page and reading is a stupid idea. Tried that when I was younger, didn't have very promising results. I need to get in touch with my youth minister and get a more detailed explanation. Once I'm consumed by the word of the Lord perhaps I'll finally start living the way he wants me to. That would be such a nice change in pace.