Motivations and Spirituality

Yet again, I have nothing to talk about. Unfortunately should I go a long time without writing I'll never get into the habit of keeping a journal. Not a big deal but It's something I've been wanting to do and I'm tired of letting my own lack of motivation get in the way of something I'd like to do.

Speaking of which, what motivates people? Do most people possess a desire to achieve something more in life than to simply exist? I would think so, I don't but I assume most other people do. I feel that one of the greatest constraints placed upon me is my own contentment. I fail to push myself simply because I'm content in almost any situation. Comfort zones will kill the desire achieve great things... perhaps I need to shatter my comfort zone. I'd simply try and leave my comfort zone as so many people have suggested in the past. Many times over the years I have heard people talk about "leaving" their comfort zones. How does one achieve this? I can't use distance, I'm at home anywhere I go... come to think about it, I was more comfortable in the mountain of Costa Rica than I was at home. Maybe there is some thing I can do... like finally spread the word of my Lord.

Now there is an idea. A long time ago I knew I would be a missionary. I can remember that night, to some degree at least. Most everything else has blurred but I remember "knowing" I had to spread the word of Jesus. I wanted to be the one to travel the farthest corners of the earth. I wanted to stand on the mountaintops and scream his name. It was so clear then. Now a days... my screams falter. I want to go, my very being thirsts to leave here and go forth. Why am I still here then?

I think it's because I've failed to immerse myself in the word of my Lord. As I've said before, I'm a very analytical person. Everything reacts with everything else. Ripples of one action can affect things that at first glance would seem completely unrelated. So I've been thinking, what do I do or perhaps don't do that separates me from the will of my God? Well, I'm fully aware of my sins and how they affect my spiritual life. At least I've that much covered. Even still, I know I lack something that all other truly devoted followers of Jesus have. I've given my life to him, that's the first step... not the last, I've come to realise that as well. So what is it?

I believe what I lack is a personal quiet time. I pray, yes, but that is mostly on the run and only because God is clutching my heart. It's hard not to say something when he's grasping at your insides. What I need to do is spend time reading and meditating on the Bible. I've heard it over and over but I've never been able to practice for more than a couple of days. Why is it so easy to start bad habits and so hard to get rid of them and yet good habits are the total opposite? Another thing, I don't know how to study the Bible! Do I start with a book, read it through and then think on it? I know opening to a random page and reading is a stupid idea. Tried that when I was younger, didn't have very promising results. I need to get in touch with my youth minister and get a more detailed explanation. Once I'm consumed by the word of the Lord perhaps I'll finally start living the way he wants me to. That would be such a nice change in pace.