Libraries: Frozen Books Do not Read Better

I love the rain. It's beautiful, rythmatic and soothing. It cleanses and lifts my spirit. It revitalizes the world and all who live in it. It's also cold and wet and I seem to have forgotten my coat. To make matters worse, I'm stuck in the library where appearenlty they keep the AC on some Kelvin setting. I assume they are scared the books will spontaniously combust under the emense body heat of the 12 people in here but I can't be sure. The person in charge of the thermostat may just be a sadist.

Clockwork Confusion

I fear that in another time, another life, I would have been a deist. I don't know why but the idea that God created the universe, set it in motion and then stepped back appeals to me. Maybe its the human desire to control my own destiny. Maybe it's just the clockwork analogy that comes with deism. I've always had a thing clockwork...

I'm sorry, I've probably confused you. Let me make something clear, I am not denouncing my faith... I've lost it a few times but I've always found it again. That's another story.

I'm reflecting on somethings we discussed in American History today. Fun class... I'm sure I had a similar one earlier in life but like most history classes, the further along you get the more sugar coating gets stripped away. I prefer bitter fact to sweet lies, regardless of how painful they can be.

Anyway, we were discussing Benjamin Franklin and some of his views on religion and how this was affected by his personal nature. The man was a logical thinker. He perceived with his senses and thought with his mind. What he saw was a world of laws, where if one could reason enough he might be able to explain any natural or social phenomenon. He also saw some of what he perceived as corruptions and alterations to the teachings of Jesus from within the Church.

I agree with his assessment and have on several occasions been engulfed by rage at the ignorant arrogance I witness every time I walk into a church building. Fortunately I am often reminded by either God or my own sense... perhaps a combination of both, that I am a fool and I am as guilty of hypocrisy as any man I condemn. Funny how you are often angered by the thing you yourself are guilty of. Proof of a conscience, I suppose.

What is Love?

I like to think of it as truth, honesty and selfish-selflessness. Yeah, you heard that last one right. I think that we give ourselves freely so that we may possibly in return gain something more valuable... something like another person's unquestionable adoration.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps, I am just being persuaded by Francois De La Rochefoucauld and his maxims. Quite the thing to read, those. I need to work my way through the rest of them. Still, I think there must be some truth in this as people are selfish by nature.

How can this be? think about it, would we really do anything for the benifit of someone else if on some level the act didn't bring us something in return? To help those that can't help themselves, I personally feel pleasure in doing so. I act out of desire to feel good about helping others. Also, I know that God is pleased by such actions. I feel good knowing that my God is pleased and so I feel pleased. I act selfless in the interest of self interest.

I hope that I'm not becoming lost to the darker side of my perception of life.

Interesting thing about all this is that I got off the original train of thought I was actually following. See, I can see love right now. It's in this very room. It lingers... like a faint scent, clinging to anything that will give it hold.

I am by no means the professional authority on the subject of love... were I, I'd have no problem affording an education. I am however a very observant individual, though that has never really stood in the way of also being completely clueless. Still, I know that tonight, I have been witness to a real honest to goodness form of love. It was the sort of thing where two individuals were completely alone in the presence of others and yet had no need to touch. There was no obsession, no flame of lust. Just two people that were absolutely thrilled to be together... Laughs can be quite the telling thing if you ever bother to listen.

I'd like to say I'm envious, mostly because I am. But at the same time, I know it's not for me. Not yet at least. For now I'm content to live with my friends... my brothers and sisters. I love them, with all that I am and with all my heart. I will do anything for them and will not turn my back on them. They are my heart.

Big Band Beats in Rythym with my Heart

I have been coerced into writing a journal. This will be quite interesting... should I for once follow through on such an in devour. To be truthful, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. My first day I wrote... nearly a dozen pages of nothing. I spent a bit of time describing three of my greatest friend... talked about their relationships to me and to one another... and ranted on the horrible selfishness of some people in relation to two of those friends.

Well, now that I've started journaling... perhaps I'll start back with this blog on a regular basis. I've only had what, three false starts? It's about time I actually do something with this thing.

A Good Story...

... is something I am always searching for, and do occasionally find.

I don't care much for the form... though I guess novels are more my cup of tea. But really, short stories are great as well. Anyway, on to my first rant in like six months.

I hate it when people beat up books without actually reading the story first. There is nothing I can think of that festers in me more than the hate that I feel when some one does this. All I want to do is yell "@$#% YOU, YOU LAZY PREBIASED JERK"!!!

This of course is not an acceptable response for any occasion, especially in public and in mixed company. Still, it irks me to no great end that people do this. If you haven't bothered reading the story, getting a feel for the characters and really looked at the plot, you have no right to say anything negative about it.

On that note, I am a man and I may read whatever I so please. If you don't really like what I'm reading then you're welcome to tell me so and tell me why. If the book covers a topic you are not comfortable with or disagree with or even think is down right silly, that's your right. You don't have to read anything you don't want to. Personally, I really don't care. But please, never try and make me feel bad for deciding to read anything. Insulting me because of something I'm reading, is an easy way to get under my skin and that is something I really sugest you don't do.

Realizing That "All" is Actually a Variable.

Ever realize that in order to get what you want out of life, you need to give all you have to obtain whatever it is you want? Probably. Now for another question, ever realize that all you have may not be enough? "Ha", goes someone out there in the world. Yes I know the saying that there isn't anything one can't accomplish if he apply himself utterly... but I'm not sure I agree.

"The kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." (Matthew 13:44 NIV)

This verse has been annoying me lately... and not for spiritual reasons. I guess it should, I mean Jesus is portraying how wonderful salvation is. Seriously, it's amazing. But like I said, my problem... well, the problem I'd like to discuss anyway, is not spiritual.

I was daydreaming the other day, a past time I do a lot less these days, and I was thinking about a dear friend of mine. This girl is one of my best friends... one of the few people in this world that has touched in a way that has forced me to change who I am, and done so by simply being my friend. I love this girl... and I realized a long time ago that I wanted her to be a huge part of my life.

This is where the parable comes in... I'd love to sacrifice all that I have for her. For me, she IS the greatest treasure in the world and I want her. I want from this day forward, that every morning I wake up, there she is. That every night, she is the last person I see and speak to. However, the problem is that I don't know if I actually have anything to give her. Quite frankly, I'm nothing more than a half decent guy who has taken a serious interest in her. So... how can I give my "all" and expect anything when my all is not all that much. Love and loyalty... she already has this from me... what else do I have?

Hm... I don't know if this is normal or creepy. I don't care so much anymore. I've spent too much time keeping her at a distance so I could keep her friendship regardless of where life took us... That was stupid and cowardly of me.

Teachings of the Ambiguously Obvious

Every once in a while I stumble upon an interesting piece of literature, something that just screams "Read me"! Oddly enough, this seems to have happened again and with a book from one of my classes. Celebration of Discipline is the book I've been reading for Religion 152 and I have to say, Foster had some help writing this thing. God's love and guidance is that apparent.

One of the major reasons I like this book is because Foster actually explains how to do things I've been told to do my entire life, yet have never had explained. This has always bugged me, I hate being told to do something and not being to how to do it.

As of right now I'm through chapter two, meditation. Very interesting as this is one of the most annoying subjects to discuss. In the past, I meditated quite a lot. As a martial artist, having a clear mind was very important. However it seems that christian meditation is different. While secular as well as eastern meditation focus on clearing the mind, christian meditation focuses on filling it. All meditation really is is constant conversation with God. Always in his presence, always listening. I love it.

Think Positive

I'm not sure why but apparently I can make almost anything appear negative. I don't know why I do this, I wish I did. Perhaps then I'd be able to counteract this way of thinking and wouldn't have to try as hard to think positively.

Music and Worship

I just got back from possibly the greatest concert ever! David Crowder is pretty awesome. It actually pretty funny that I was even there. Tickets were way over due by the time I heard about the concert. Thankfully my Youth Minister had one left and offered it when I told him I wanted to go.

Books and Batteries

"If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin" - 1 John 1:6-7

It's been awhile but I've decided to read from my Bible on an everyday basis from here on out. That's a serious commitment but I have to do it. For far too long I have gone without... some would refer to it as "recharging" their batteries. Well, I've been a dead 9-volt for years and I have to either charge or be thrown out. What use is a dead battery? Only paper weights and sling ammunition.

Anyway, today I sat down and read all of 1st John. A good friend of mine once said that it was his favorite book in the Bible. I guess that's why I started there. I have to say, it is a good book. Some of the wording is repetitive but I guess that's to get a point across. As a bit of an overview, I think that basically we must acknowledge Jesus as the son of God and love our neighbors as our selves. Jesus said this and now John reiterates it. I believe what they are saying is that we look after others in the way we often look after ourselves. Even if you are not overly fond of yourself most likely you will act in accordance of your own benefit.

Quite pleased

I just had a wonderful evening! Amazing really, it's been a while since I've had this much fun! Funny thing is I really set this outing up so my sister would once and finally reach out to other people. As it turns out though, I had as good a time as any one. I'm really looking forward to further outings.

Passing the time

I have nothing to do right now. I'm somewhat less than a productive member of society. I'm not all that ambitious, perhaps that's a problem? I don't know, it's not like I don't try. On many occasions I have tried to fill my days with work yet all things seem to fall through. It's not that there aren't enough jobs, no there are plenty of those. What I lack is experience in any trade. That seems to be an all to common trait in my generation. So much so that places that require no expertise at all are so loaded with workers that they do not wish to take on any more employees. Already pay in such places is spread pretty thin.

Actually, I can't say that I lack "any" expertise. I spent many years working as an instructor at my old martial arts school. I'm pretty good at working with children, not sure why that is... I'm hoping that the most recent place I have sought employment will accept my services. It would be wonderful to once again say that I am employed. Besides, as a student I lack any funds to speak of. Everything goes into my education. Which by the way, I haven't yet decided where that is going. I want to be a missionary but I also need some trade or profession. What I'd love to be is some sort of historian. I love history... perhaps I'll fair better in this subject than I did in Biology. As much as I love science, I'm not all that gifted in that particular field. I have the love, I just lack the understanding grasp that my fellow students possess. Unfortunate really, I was looking forward to a life as a scientist. Well, I guess all I can do is take hold of one of my more useful abilities. That is to pick myself back up and move on. I wonder sometimes if I'm not phased quite enough by the obstacles of life. Though I can carry on and it takes a whole lot of damage before I realise exactly how messed up I am, by then I'm pretty deep. I must strive to make sure that my academics do not suffer in this way.

Motivations and Spirituality

Yet again, I have nothing to talk about. Unfortunately should I go a long time without writing I'll never get into the habit of keeping a journal. Not a big deal but It's something I've been wanting to do and I'm tired of letting my own lack of motivation get in the way of something I'd like to do.

Speaking of which, what motivates people? Do most people possess a desire to achieve something more in life than to simply exist? I would think so, I don't but I assume most other people do. I feel that one of the greatest constraints placed upon me is my own contentment. I fail to push myself simply because I'm content in almost any situation. Comfort zones will kill the desire achieve great things... perhaps I need to shatter my comfort zone. I'd simply try and leave my comfort zone as so many people have suggested in the past. Many times over the years I have heard people talk about "leaving" their comfort zones. How does one achieve this? I can't use distance, I'm at home anywhere I go... come to think about it, I was more comfortable in the mountain of Costa Rica than I was at home. Maybe there is some thing I can do... like finally spread the word of my Lord.

Now there is an idea. A long time ago I knew I would be a missionary. I can remember that night, to some degree at least. Most everything else has blurred but I remember "knowing" I had to spread the word of Jesus. I wanted to be the one to travel the farthest corners of the earth. I wanted to stand on the mountaintops and scream his name. It was so clear then. Now a days... my screams falter. I want to go, my very being thirsts to leave here and go forth. Why am I still here then?

I think it's because I've failed to immerse myself in the word of my Lord. As I've said before, I'm a very analytical person. Everything reacts with everything else. Ripples of one action can affect things that at first glance would seem completely unrelated. So I've been thinking, what do I do or perhaps don't do that separates me from the will of my God? Well, I'm fully aware of my sins and how they affect my spiritual life. At least I've that much covered. Even still, I know I lack something that all other truly devoted followers of Jesus have. I've given my life to him, that's the first step... not the last, I've come to realise that as well. So what is it?

I believe what I lack is a personal quiet time. I pray, yes, but that is mostly on the run and only because God is clutching my heart. It's hard not to say something when he's grasping at your insides. What I need to do is spend time reading and meditating on the Bible. I've heard it over and over but I've never been able to practice for more than a couple of days. Why is it so easy to start bad habits and so hard to get rid of them and yet good habits are the total opposite? Another thing, I don't know how to study the Bible! Do I start with a book, read it through and then think on it? I know opening to a random page and reading is a stupid idea. Tried that when I was younger, didn't have very promising results. I need to get in touch with my youth minister and get a more detailed explanation. Once I'm consumed by the word of the Lord perhaps I'll finally start living the way he wants me to. That would be such a nice change in pace.

What am I doing?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm not even sure I have a reason for most of what I do. At least not until I've had a chance to sit back an analyze what ever it is I've done. Then I'm pretty good at making stuff up. Hind sight is 20/20 after all.

Well, perhaps I'll use this blog as a journal of sorts. A good friend of mine does something like that and claims its a great way to release built up stress. He's probably right, there are few things more relieving than spilling your cares and worries... even if they are only spilt into a book.

Okay, so let's start this off. Today is the first day of the new year! Woohoo! Haha, almost convinced myself that I was excited. You see, I don't care about the new year. A year is nothing more than a unit allowing us to comprehend the passage of time. Starting a new year simply means we change calenders, nothing more. That's how I see it. There is nothing magical about a numeric change in date.

Now then, since we are talking about the illusion of time, I'm curious... Is there a virtue that can be any more of a blessed curse than patience? A man who possess an abundance of patience can wait on a particular moment for time innumerable without losing his cool and trying to jump the gun. Sounds like a great thing right? Keeps you from making hasty decisions, that's for sure. Unfortunately, man is only granted a limited amount of time on this earth. If you wait for to long, opportunities come and go, chances pass you by and you'll die an unfulfilled man.

You know, no matter how much you come to understand in life, there will always be something more that you have missed. Basically, the more you know, more you realize you know nothing at all. Life is pretty twisted if you think about it.