Clockwork Confusion

I fear that in another time, another life, I would have been a deist. I don't know why but the idea that God created the universe, set it in motion and then stepped back appeals to me. Maybe its the human desire to control my own destiny. Maybe it's just the clockwork analogy that comes with deism. I've always had a thing clockwork...

I'm sorry, I've probably confused you. Let me make something clear, I am not denouncing my faith... I've lost it a few times but I've always found it again. That's another story.

I'm reflecting on somethings we discussed in American History today. Fun class... I'm sure I had a similar one earlier in life but like most history classes, the further along you get the more sugar coating gets stripped away. I prefer bitter fact to sweet lies, regardless of how painful they can be.

Anyway, we were discussing Benjamin Franklin and some of his views on religion and how this was affected by his personal nature. The man was a logical thinker. He perceived with his senses and thought with his mind. What he saw was a world of laws, where if one could reason enough he might be able to explain any natural or social phenomenon. He also saw some of what he perceived as corruptions and alterations to the teachings of Jesus from within the Church.

I agree with his assessment and have on several occasions been engulfed by rage at the ignorant arrogance I witness every time I walk into a church building. Fortunately I am often reminded by either God or my own sense... perhaps a combination of both, that I am a fool and I am as guilty of hypocrisy as any man I condemn. Funny how you are often angered by the thing you yourself are guilty of. Proof of a conscience, I suppose.

What is Love?

I like to think of it as truth, honesty and selfish-selflessness. Yeah, you heard that last one right. I think that we give ourselves freely so that we may possibly in return gain something more valuable... something like another person's unquestionable adoration.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps, I am just being persuaded by Francois De La Rochefoucauld and his maxims. Quite the thing to read, those. I need to work my way through the rest of them. Still, I think there must be some truth in this as people are selfish by nature.

How can this be? think about it, would we really do anything for the benifit of someone else if on some level the act didn't bring us something in return? To help those that can't help themselves, I personally feel pleasure in doing so. I act out of desire to feel good about helping others. Also, I know that God is pleased by such actions. I feel good knowing that my God is pleased and so I feel pleased. I act selfless in the interest of self interest.

I hope that I'm not becoming lost to the darker side of my perception of life.

Interesting thing about all this is that I got off the original train of thought I was actually following. See, I can see love right now. It's in this very room. It lingers... like a faint scent, clinging to anything that will give it hold.

I am by no means the professional authority on the subject of love... were I, I'd have no problem affording an education. I am however a very observant individual, though that has never really stood in the way of also being completely clueless. Still, I know that tonight, I have been witness to a real honest to goodness form of love. It was the sort of thing where two individuals were completely alone in the presence of others and yet had no need to touch. There was no obsession, no flame of lust. Just two people that were absolutely thrilled to be together... Laughs can be quite the telling thing if you ever bother to listen.

I'd like to say I'm envious, mostly because I am. But at the same time, I know it's not for me. Not yet at least. For now I'm content to live with my friends... my brothers and sisters. I love them, with all that I am and with all my heart. I will do anything for them and will not turn my back on them. They are my heart.

Big Band Beats in Rythym with my Heart

I have been coerced into writing a journal. This will be quite interesting... should I for once follow through on such an in devour. To be truthful, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. My first day I wrote... nearly a dozen pages of nothing. I spent a bit of time describing three of my greatest friend... talked about their relationships to me and to one another... and ranted on the horrible selfishness of some people in relation to two of those friends.

Well, now that I've started journaling... perhaps I'll start back with this blog on a regular basis. I've only had what, three false starts? It's about time I actually do something with this thing.

A Good Story...

... is something I am always searching for, and do occasionally find.

I don't care much for the form... though I guess novels are more my cup of tea. But really, short stories are great as well. Anyway, on to my first rant in like six months.

I hate it when people beat up books without actually reading the story first. There is nothing I can think of that festers in me more than the hate that I feel when some one does this. All I want to do is yell "@$#% YOU, YOU LAZY PREBIASED JERK"!!!

This of course is not an acceptable response for any occasion, especially in public and in mixed company. Still, it irks me to no great end that people do this. If you haven't bothered reading the story, getting a feel for the characters and really looked at the plot, you have no right to say anything negative about it.

On that note, I am a man and I may read whatever I so please. If you don't really like what I'm reading then you're welcome to tell me so and tell me why. If the book covers a topic you are not comfortable with or disagree with or even think is down right silly, that's your right. You don't have to read anything you don't want to. Personally, I really don't care. But please, never try and make me feel bad for deciding to read anything. Insulting me because of something I'm reading, is an easy way to get under my skin and that is something I really sugest you don't do.

Realizing That "All" is Actually a Variable.

Ever realize that in order to get what you want out of life, you need to give all you have to obtain whatever it is you want? Probably. Now for another question, ever realize that all you have may not be enough? "Ha", goes someone out there in the world. Yes I know the saying that there isn't anything one can't accomplish if he apply himself utterly... but I'm not sure I agree.

"The kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." (Matthew 13:44 NIV)

This verse has been annoying me lately... and not for spiritual reasons. I guess it should, I mean Jesus is portraying how wonderful salvation is. Seriously, it's amazing. But like I said, my problem... well, the problem I'd like to discuss anyway, is not spiritual.

I was daydreaming the other day, a past time I do a lot less these days, and I was thinking about a dear friend of mine. This girl is one of my best friends... one of the few people in this world that has touched in a way that has forced me to change who I am, and done so by simply being my friend. I love this girl... and I realized a long time ago that I wanted her to be a huge part of my life.

This is where the parable comes in... I'd love to sacrifice all that I have for her. For me, she IS the greatest treasure in the world and I want her. I want from this day forward, that every morning I wake up, there she is. That every night, she is the last person I see and speak to. However, the problem is that I don't know if I actually have anything to give her. Quite frankly, I'm nothing more than a half decent guy who has taken a serious interest in her. So... how can I give my "all" and expect anything when my all is not all that much. Love and loyalty... she already has this from me... what else do I have?

Hm... I don't know if this is normal or creepy. I don't care so much anymore. I've spent too much time keeping her at a distance so I could keep her friendship regardless of where life took us... That was stupid and cowardly of me.